Run, run, run. Faster! Time is running out. Keep pushing, harder, faster. Go, feet, go! The finish line is coming! Can't breathe-- don't think about it. Run. Lungs burning-- just concentrate. Run. Don't waste energy wiping off sweat. Run. I can do this. Head down, eyes on the finish! I can see a mass of people near the finish-- my eyes are stinging so I can't see them clearly. They wave, some jump up and down, but I can't hear them. I smell the grass, I see the finish, I taste the salt from my sweat. But my heart is pounding and it drowns out the noise: What are they saying? Do they see the clock? The white line on the ground-- my goal, the end-- teases me as it blurs in and out of focus. Ten feet - five feet - across! I stumble into someone's arms. A crowd surrounds me and keeps me on my feet. Did I make it? I can't see the clock! My heart is pounding; I still can't hear what they're saying-- what was my time? Everyone is patting me on the back, all talking at once; are they giving me good news? Or was all this work for nothing? Someone hands me Gatorade, and I finally hear the words I've been working toward for months-- "Congratulations! You did it!" and she flings her arms around me. Ah, now I collapse.
The thing being described is the end of a race. It's not really brought to life through the visual or auditory as much, but more of a stream of consciousness description. Between all the self-thoughts and the progression of events, you can imagine yourself in the situation, finishing a race. The phrases of self-determination like "I can do this" or "Can't breathe -- don't think about it" help to bring the event to one's imagination.
ReplyDeleteThe emotional response that's provoked is kind of like frenzy and determination. If you were given more room to write this, perhaps more visual and auditory description would help even more to get in the runner's "shoes." Mostly it's about the runner's state of mind.
My favorite mental image in this description is the confusion at the end of the race, coupled with exhaustion. "did I make it? I can't see the clock! The blood is still pounding..." etc. In general, like I mentioned before, perhaps more visual and auditory cues would help the reader to really see what it is like, but you nailed the description in terms of state of mind and consciousness. Great job.
Su, you do a great job bringing this event, the race, to life for the reader. I like the way you tell the story from the perspective of the narrator’s thoughts; being a runner, I can really empathize with the self-talk going on. In particular, I like “Ten feet – five feet.” I always find myself counting down the remaining distance when I run. I also like that I see, feel, hear, and think what the runner is experiencing. I can see my friends, hear my heart pounding, and feel my lungs burning.
ReplyDeleteYour paragraph evokes in me an extreme sense of urgency and determination. The anxiety builds up as I read, and I wonder whether or not the runner made it. You don’t reveal anything until the very end, which is effective in building and holding tension.
There is one thing that I found a little bit off-putting: I think you devote too much of your paragraph to the runner’s thoughts. It gets a little bit repetitive, and becomes less affective as it progresses. Could you try describing other things going on, not just the runner’s thoughts? Overall, good job.
I like how you describe this. The quick, short sentences, and talking to yourself to the finish capture it from the athlete's perspective and expresses the fatigue that one feels at the end of an endurance event. It makes me want you to make it across the finish line.
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